One of the hardest things about bringing home a first baby is coming to terms with being a mum. You're used to going to work and socialising, grooving at rock concerts and seeing movies. Suddenly, all this is gone. You have none of the things you used to define yourself by present in your life any more. What you do have is this new critter, this new person, entirely dependent on you for survival and development.
After 30 odd years of "me me me" it takes a few months to get used to the change. You want to lash out a bit, but don't know where. You can't lash out at your kid - whenever he cries for whatever small reason your heart almost breaks. And you can't lash out at your partner, who is doing his best to be there totally for you and understand what you are experiencing. And there's no point lashing out at yourself - you've already been through the wars.
Eventually, you just have to let go and come to terms. You bury the old you. But you don't necessarily give birth to a new you, a new mum. You just get by day to day, scratching together some food when you can, getting some shut eye when he's alseep, and doing your best to make sure there is as few stains on the clothes and furniture as possible.
I found reading some Eckhart Tolle to be helpful:
"The most common ego identifications have to do with possessions, the work you do, social status and recognition, knowledge and education, physical appearance, special abilities, relationships, personal and family history, belief systems, and often political, nationalistic, racial, religious, and other collective identifications. None of these is you."
"Whatever the present moment contains, accept is as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it. Make it your friend and ally, not your enemy. This will miraculously transform your whole life."
What was it like for you?
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1 comment:
I think this is normal. My sister had a baby at 18, and discovered that no only was it hard work it completely destroyed her life. She looked after him okay, but she really couldn't cope with the loss of friends and life and sleep and time, and when she and her husband divorced (not as a result), she actually managed to put forward a case convincing enough that she couldn't have custody that his father took him. It's uncommon for fathers to get custody, so she must have been pretty screwed up by the whole baby + no life thing... she doesn't talk about it.
You'll be right though, at least you sort of knew it was coming... but as a teenager... makes you really have sympathy for young girls who find themselves pregnant, and women who don't have loving supporting husbands.
Anyway, it is okay, because she's got three more kids now, who she had when she wanted because she wanted with someone she wanted, and it's all much better! I guess it was just youth and unpreparedness. I doubt you can ever know what's coming till it hits you!
Best of luck, I'm sure you're fine and it'll all be fine and you'll find a you that's still you but that is also Julius' loving devoted mother who'll never stop wanting to clean his face :)
Claire :)
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